You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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