Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
