:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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