Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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