My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
