Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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