Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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