My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
