I just saw a hot homeless man
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
