Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
