i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Randomize
