please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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