I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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