I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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