his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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