Heybabeimwearingurpanties
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
