Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
