Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
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I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
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I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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