My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I still have a little drunk in my system
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
