also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
