Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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