At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
