Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
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Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
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there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
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