I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
