Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
