Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
