**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
