i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
