She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
And then he peed in my hair
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