Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
