Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
