I need to stop coming to work sober
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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