My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
