The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
