Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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