Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
