Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
