someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Randomize
