I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
