So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
