explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
