We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
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You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
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I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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