Umm I'm too high to move.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
