STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
