you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
