Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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