I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
