Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
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