So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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