Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
