I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
