How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
