this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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