Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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